I've been tortured by dreams as of late, all starring ex-girlfriends, and all giving me an odd feeling in my gut the next morning. Make no mistake, all of my past relationships with women have ended poorly. I am not friends with many of the women whom I have dated or had a physical relationship with (unless you count Facebook, where I am "friends" with 5 or 6 so that I may occasionally 'poke' them [pun intended]). So, when these women from relationships past creep into my dreamscape, I become apprehensive. What are they doing there? Why are they trying to unpack their suitcase at this seedy hotel and, more importantly, why is my wife letting them?
It is not uncommon to re-examine these past relationships with a foggy eye of remembrance that only recounts a patchwork of highs and lows of said coupling. I've been married close to seven years, and these women from the past seep into my thoughts rarely, but often times when my marriage is less than stellar. Sure, on the surface, my brain is sorting out past relationships as a measuring stick to the current situation. Did I feel this way about past girlfriends and, if so, did that ultimately end the relationship?
After one of the "ex" dreams earlier in the week, I 'googled' her to discover she married in 2007 in her backyard. The gentleman in the pictures looked nothing like me and she looked happy (and a little heavier than I recall). So, what feelings did that stir? None. Absolutely nothing, which is what I expected. So, these dreams are merely random, signaling nothing about the possible feelings I might have (or had).
Last night another woman was present in my dreams, and she and my wife were getting along quite remarkably. The ex 'Swedish' girlfriend was desirable to me in the same way she had been almost eleven years ago. Knowing that she does nothing for me today (as evidenced by our friendship on Facebook) makes me realize that it isn't the actual person in these dreams that has resulted in their presence, but the way that I felt when the relationship was new (lusty) and when it was over (lusty and jealous) -- more than anything, I believe what I am feeling is a desire to have strong feelings of a budding romance. After seven years of marriage (nine together), the bond between my wife and I is strong, but lacks the passion of a decade prior. This is undoubtedly why men cheat and engage in extramarital affairs, but I think it wouldn't be worth the guilt that would surely follow any tryst with 'another woman'.
So, I guess I'll delete my craigslist ad looking for a "sexy young Puerto Rican mammacita"...
- the other side